Christianity and Roman Catholicism in a Nutshell by Guido (Religion)

by hyjyljyj , Friday, December 07, 2012, 01:04 (4369 days ago)

Author's Note and Caution: After asking if it would be desired, here is a satirical essay I recently discovered that I must have written some years ago. READERS SHOULD NOTE that its intended humor may be at times crude, insensitive, offensive, risqué, cynical, harsh or otherwise objectionable. But it made me laugh when I read it, so I hope the same reaction is enjoyed by others...any feedback is welcome (but be prepared to take what you dish out)-Per admin suggestion I've broken it up into more than one post. Enjoy-Christianity and Roman Catholicism in a Nutshell, Part I
 
Instead of Sister Cucci or Father Iccibelli, what if a different kind of Italian told the story? -A long time ago some broad had a chat with a talking snake. The snake said "Have a snack," so she did. The snake's snack really hacked off this huge invisible guy in the sky who grants wishes but apparently dislikes apples with a degree of intensity that is difficult to imagine. So he decided right then, this snacking can only mean every single human being on Earth forever will automatically be born a lousy, rotten, lying, evil, steaming pile of worthless crap, doomed to die a miserable death that never ends—but that goes without saying.
 
The invisible Sky Guy, nicknamed God for short, ordered this broad to populate the earth, really kind of cornered her into it...by making her the only female alive. So, to get back at him she immediately decided to become the ultimate slut of all time right off the bat and start banging her sons whenever her husband wasn't around. Women!
 
Then, as a result of God's loving decision to fill everyone's heart and soul with pure evil from birth on, till they're bursting with an overwhelming desire to do all kinds of stuff that just aggravates the piss out of him, they acted according to their nature. Whaddya know. Of course the world got pretty horrific in a hurry (no one could've seen that coming), but for some reason God acted all jilted and surprised, which is odd since he already knew ahead of time exactly how we would act. He got so fed up, he had two of everything alive thrown in a boat so big it could never have been built in a hundred lifetimes, except plants (who needs them) and flooded the whole joint. That'll teach the bastards. So, after going out of his way taking almost a whole week to create it all, the lunatic just turned around and slaughtered every living thing in cold blood, like a sociopathic schizo over here. Big surprise: even that didn't work, people being the total pieces of shit the Sky Guy himself designed them to be.
 
Trying to make it simple for a bunch of dimwit mooks, he made up ten rules of what you can't do, and even carved them in stone. But his people liked listening to this other guy instead, some big redskin wiseguy who's all about fun, always loaded, always horny, always having one HELL of a good time. Even when he's pissed off, this guy's constantly laughing diabolically. He used to be one of God's made men, but, being a bastard, decided to switch over, get a mob together and start his own syndicate. And all God's children—that's me and youse—kept getting loose with Lucifer and enjoying themselves, which this time God couldn't handle any more. So he gave up and gave in. "OK, Bub, you win...even the weight of a whole mountain can't keep your red ass down, Me dammit!" And the all-powerful God was forced to genuflect and capitulate to Big Bad Beelzebub, a guy he created knowing full well he'd be sorry later. (The apparent urge to self-sabotage has never been explained.) To add insult to injury, this is a guy who's half goat. -And as part of the "deal"—if you can call it that, since it's hard to see what God got out of it—he had to sacrifice one of his kids. We're all "his children", OK, but this one had to be made special: it was for Sir Satan, you understand. So just to be on the safe side, he had the baby come out of a virgin who was born to ANOTHER virgin. Because that happens all the time. Sex is dirty and bad, see? Then, just to be even more on the safe side, he had the daughter virgin get the sperm not from a man, because that would be too much like sex, but from a completely different species: a talking pigeon who called himself God and told her to calm down. (I'm telling you, you cannot make this stuff up. First the reptile, then the bird...I guess 2000 years ago there's a bunch of animals that won't shut up over here. Jeez, if you could get some of those today and teach them to recite poetry, you could win America's Got Talent. But I digress.)